When I woke up this morning I was feeling blue. I got only five hours of sleep. It was hard to find a good position for my head. When the chemo is working it’s way in, on the worst days it feels like my head is not screwed on right. I can’t for the best of me find a comfortable position no matter how hard I try. While tossing and turning I started thinking of a good childhood memory. Just the other day I talked with a friend about it – going fishing for mountain trout with my dad the night before my moms birthday. When I decided to give up finding more sleep I put on a song that reminds me of my dad: Claudia Scott’s “A Picture if my Dad and I” – and a song that reminds me of my mom: Dolly Parton’s “Coat of Many Colors”. Both songs made me cry – good tears – and as last cycle crying hurts, but when the hurt disappeared and the fond childhood memories sank in I felt much better. I also had a nice chat with my parents before I rolled out of bed and that made me much happier. 

I do feel like a child on the worst days. I need help with almost everything. I moan and I complain. And I’m frankly quite self absorbed and have tons of self pity. Not only do I dislike how my body feels and how everything tastes – I pretty much dislike myself a fair bit. Today was worse than Friday two weeks ago. I had a problem last time with a lot of cramps in my hands due to me using my hands a lot the first few days. I decided today to try to not antagonize my hands too much – so of course that meant a lot of time on the couch.

When I spend too much time on the couch I tend to start feeling even worse after a while. A body is not supposed to be laying down too much. I’ve tried today to find a balance between laying down and doing a few little things. Of course doing things often means I’m using my hands, and too much doing leads to hand cramps. And too much laying down leads to cramps in my calf’s and an antsy back of the head. Now I’m back on the couch after feeding our fish and walking around in the kitchen instructing Benjamin on making pizza. The dough is done, the sauce is ready, the sausages are fried and the cheese is grated. Next step – assembly and baking.

I’m expecting at least one or two more days on the couch, but I hope that my hand cramps ease off soon since I have been trying to use them less today. This too shall pass.