I’ve been sunken into self pity and agony for almost five days. It is not a good state to be in and it is easy to fall deep into a dark pit. When being in this state I do nothing but just exist. What I want is to just stay completely still, without moving, without feeling, without drinking, without eating, without sitting or walking or doing anything. But I can’t do that. I need to open my eyes. I need to sit up. I need to walk. I need to eat. I need to drink. But oh my it is hard to find motivation from within and bring it out to do all these daunting things when all the cells in my body just want to do nothing but be. Without any effort. Just be. 

I just want the day to end. I want to fall asleep and wait for a new and hopefully slightly better day to start. When in the state of shut down I am utterly useless. I do nothing but the most essential. I get out of bed. I get dressed. I eat. I drink – and should drink more. I sleep. I play games on my iPad. I watch tv shows. But I do nothing that has any purpose or meaning besides being. It is a very strange and highly unsatisfactory state to be in for many days. Sounds like the life some teenagers are seeking. But I’m no longer a teenager.

I’m desperately looking for a meaning to what I’m going through and what I can learn from this. I know that there are people that feel worse than I do, and for a much longer time. I know that how I’m feeling and what I am experiencing could be much much worse – but that doesn’t make it easier. I need to know that at the end if this I will be stronger. I need to know that I will appreciate life differently. I miss washing my hands in cold water without being afraid of cramps. I miss taking large gulps of refreshing cold beverages. I miss using my hands without having to rest often. I miss enjoying food. 

I hope that I at the end of this will notice and appreciate the little things much more than before. Cold wind in my face. Effortlessly getting out of bed. The smell of food. Buying groceries. Brushing my hair. Eating ice cream. I know these days are close. Only six more week. Only three more visits into the abyss of self pity.