I’m in my bed trying to wake up. James just came in and put a cup of tea and some cookies on my bed stand. He opened the window blinds to let the light in and headed downstairs. Chess jumped up on the bed and he is lying at the foot of the bed watching the open door looking out for any potential danger – in addition to taking his fourth and fifth morning nap. It’s 8 am and James started his first online meeting of the day. He is in the office and I can hear his voice going through the kitchen and up the stairs to the bedroom. It’s a bit windy outside. I hear the soothing sound from the chimes on the bedroom balcony. It’s hard to open my eyes. Not just because the sound of the chimes makes me sleepy, but my eyes are so dry. I suddenly got some more help to wake up. A gardener in a neighbor yard just started his leaf blower. I’m reaching for my eye drops. They have become a staple on my bed stand. Every morning I have to put one drop in each eye to be able to keep them open. It was the same this spring. Chemo is clearly drying my eyes out.

To help me get going I stretch out and arch my back. I feel only a small tug and pinch in my abdomen. It has become much easier to stretch the abdominal muscles after I started with more regular yoga. I’m very happy my yoga teacher can come once or twice per week. I eat a cookie and have a sip of tea. My mouth and throat feels strange. It’s like I’ve had a mouthful of something that was too hot. It’s not because this tea is too hot. I recognize the sensation from the chemo last time. Even if my mouth is sore now luckily the flavor of food has not changed like it did last time. So far this round has continued to be much easier. The side effects are however sneaking in. In addition to dry eyes and sore mouth I’m more fatigued than last cycle three weeks ago. With the lowered energy it’s hard to get motivated to get up and get going. I have all the time in the world to do whatever I need to do, but I don’t have the energy and focus to do it. It’s certainly not helping to be in the middle of a pandemic and the only venture I have outside the house every day is walking the dog. We try to find new places to walk and both James, Chess and I appreciate expanding our territory.

Last night my fingertips and bottom of my feet felt like they were sunburned. The heel, ball of foot and tip of my toes were flaming red and sore on both feet. This is clearly the hand and foot syndrome that the chemo pills I’m taking can cause. How about that – another side effect I can check off. Today I’m taking the three last pills in this cycle, so hopefully this pain will taper off over the next couple of days. Combined with the neuropathy it’s a bit challenging to have a good relationship with my hands and feet at the moment.

This whole situation is pretty mind numbing. Chemotherapy in the middle of a pandemic. The days are floating along and I can’t distinguish one day from the next. I can’t recall if I did something a couple of days ago or a week ago and I have to think long and hard to remember what day it is. After some contemplation I’ve determined that it is Thursday today. The smell of bacon and eggs is sneaking its way up the stairs. I’m stretching a bit more and I’m getting ready to roll out of bed – and I hope my feet won’t hurt too much.

Even though I know that for each cycle the side effects will be harder, these days are strangely hopeful. Today I’m officially half way through this chemo regimen. I now finally see an end to this, and the end is only six or seven weeks away. The top of this last and third mountain can often seem far away, but I’m getting closer. The little devil on my shoulder is trying to tell me that there might be some bad news lurking around the next corner, but I quickly swipe that devil off my shoulder and forget about it. The whole pandemic situation I can’t see an immediate end to, but in seven weeks I can approach it very differently and with less fear. I’m looking forward to that. In seven weeks I’m on the last summit and can start getting to know the new me.