The doctors suggested in August, after my surgery and a CT scan, that I was cancer free. As you know, they still wanted to put me on three months chemotherapy as a precaution. This week I did a new CT scan and after the doctors evaluated the scan they can see no sign of any cancer. When I discussed the result with them I asked: “Am I cancer free?” and the answer was “Yes”. What a relief!!! Of course there is no guarantee that it will not come back, or that there are no buggers lurking in some hidden corners, but I can’t dwell too much thinking about that. I will be followed up every 3-6 months. In mid-March I will do blood tests and also most likely another CT scan.

All of you that have read my updates and talked with me know how hard these 11 months have been. I am ready to put all of that behind me. Even though I’m relieved about the good result, I was not surprised – reoccurrence simply was not an option in my head. Despite having suffered through this for so many months, I’m unbelievably enough, still partly in denial that this has happened to me. On the days I’ve been feeling good I’ve managed to forget, and when reminded of it I’ve become mildly surprised – over and over again. Perhaps my brain is part fish… an uncommon side effect of daily doses of cod liver oil. It’s not that I haven’t understood it or taken it seriously, but I’m still thinking that this is something that happens to others, not to me. It is like I’m unable to let it sink in completely. Right now I feel like people around me have stronger feelings of relief than I have that the scan looked good. To me the result was just what it had to be – clean and no sign of cancer. Of course I’m cancer free. To me there was no other option. Clearly a small dose of denial, but perhaps a healthy denial so I don’t pull myself into catastrophic thoughts. Perhaps denial is my anti-anxiety drug.

But, I’m definitely not denying that I need to get in shape. I am not resting and waiting for my body to miraculously fix itself. There is some hardcore determination at work here. I am working out every day. I’ve never worked out as much or as determined ever. In addition to walking 2 miles (3 km) 6 times per week, every day I either do yoga, row or play tennis. No excuse is good enough to not go ahead and do it. I could make up a lot of excuses because now I hurt all over – again – but in a different way – in a good a way. I hurt because my body has been used, not abused. All of my muscles are sore and I have a hard time both sitting down and getting up. My bad knee is giving me some grief and of course I got a “tennis elbow”. After 35 years of dormant tennis knowledge my muscles were not quite ready for that shock. But all of the aches are slowly slowly getting less achy and it is a bit easier to move around every day. I pant a bit less for every walk, shake a bit less and stretch a bit more for every yoga session, row a bit faster and longer, and run a bit more to catch more and more balls for every new game of tennis. It’s all good.

I’m also happily having some new projects going. I just ordered wall paper to put on one wall in our spare room by the office. I’ve decided that is going to be my yoga and meditation room, and I’m now planning on how I want it to look. The wall paper is a happy, colorful Bird of Paradise tropical wall mural. Today I’m also going to paint the first coat of paint on one wall in the office. I’ve been thinking of doing that forever, and now it’s time to do it and not just think about doing it. I’ve long wanted to paint that one wall, the outer wall by the vegetable garden, a dark color. A few years back I totally fell in love with a color by the Norwegian company Jotun – Oslo – it’s a dark blue-green-gray that will match beautifully with the blue couch, blue pictures, walnut and bamboo furniture and the gray stone floor. I’ve baked four types of Christmas cookies and have two more planned. I just now talked with Julie and Chris about food plans for Christmas Day – socially distanced in our backyard. On Monday I’ll buy pork belly for our traditional Norwegian Christmas Eve dinner. All Christmas presents have been bought and wrapped. The one thing i failed on this year was making, writing, and sending Christmas cards. There was no way for me to go through my pathetically short selection of 2020 photos and select one for the card. 2020 was not a good photo year.

I’m ready to put 2020, not in the drawer, not in the waste bin, but in the fireplace and make it into the ash it deserves to be made into. I’m over and done with 2020. Welcome 2021. Stine is back. Somewhat reduced, but possibly in a better and more appreciative and mindful version.