A lot of hard work is put into making a path in order for people to get to their desired destination without injury or getting lost. Branches and roots are trimmed and removed, and rocks are moved and stacked. A lot of years of research and clinical studies are laying the base for my path. The path is not specific for my cancer, because it is so rare, but it is tried and tested on many many people with colon cancer.

The plan for when I start my walk and the initial course is now set. I will start my first intravenous chemo, as described in the previous post, on Thursday February 27th. The plan is to get chemo every two weeks. I hopefully reach the summit in three months – but it is dependent on how the tumor in my peritoneal membrane grows or shrinks and if the levels of the cancer markers (CA125 and CEA) continue to drop. They may need to change the drug and they may need to keep me on it for longer – I would be very happy if I can stay on it for a shorter amount of time. 

I had a new CT scan today to set a baseline for the tumor. The CA125 and CEA levels were measured yesterday – and both had significantly dropped since last time – that is good news (and I suppose expected since the tumor load is much smaller after the surgery.) 

Am I scared? Of course I’m scared. Really scared. I do not want to have poison running through my veins. Yes – the poison will hopefully target the cancer cells and eventually destroy them – but the drugs will also hit other cells in my body. I can get nausea – but there are good drugs to prevent too much of that. I will likely not lose my hair – yay – at least not a lot. My white blood cell count (WBC) will most likely get lower, so I need to be extra careful about not getting sick otherwise. I will get fatigue – but hopefully only for a couple of days after the administration. I can also develop neuropathy – tingling and numbness in my fingers. The neuropathy will make me oversensitive to cold, and exposure to cold can trigger the condition, so no visits to the freezer, fridge or cold countries for me – and no cold drinks or food. I can deal with that short-term. What I cannot deal with is the possibility for it to become permanent – but we are working on figuring out how to prevent that. And the drugs might not work on the tumor cells in my abdomen – or at all. How can I not be scared?

I am preparing the best I can mentally to handle this. I do cry when I get anxious about the unknown. I’ve never really had a lot of health issues – bits and bobs – but nothing major. I cry because I’m afraid of ending up with a lot of side effects that changes me and how I know myself. I cry because I have no other choice but to walk this path. The experts say I have to. The experts also think I can handle it. With this in mind I have to wipe my tears, take a deep breath, put my hair up in a bun, and pack my backpack with all the tools and remedies I can to support me on this walk – and I am bringing plenty of frogs for morning snacks.