Yet again it’s been a long time since I updated you on how I’m doing. I’ve been in a vacuum the last couple of weeks. Often being in a vacuum is regarded as being in a bad state, but this vacuum has been pretty good. I’ve managed to keep the feelings about the upcoming chemotherapy at a distance. I think that’s why I haven’t written a new blog post. I’ve just slowly normalized my days and enjoyed being able to make my own breakfast and lunch, plan and make dinners, and doing a little bit of work. I’ve enjoyed that I have energy to get dressed and take a shower – and a swim in the pool. Enjoyed that I feel energized after a walk. Enjoyed that I can do some yard work; remove weeds from my herbs, and trim palm trees. I’ve enjoyed visiting with family and friends and have a normal conversation and laugh – while social distancing. I enjoy that I can laugh about the few times I’ve freaked out and felt stressed and really bad and laugh about that the six pounds I’ve managed to gain is only in the form of fat on my hips, butt and stomach (I really need a plan for how those pounds can become muscles). But – normalized is alas about to end. Today the bad feelings have definitely crept in since the first cycle starts tomorrow. I cried while eating lunch today and just writing it brings back tears to my eyes and I get the ever so familiar scared tingles flushing through my body. 

Anyway – taking a deep breath – let’s focus on how things have been the last couple of weeks. I’ve regained more and more energy. I’ve exercised more and more; swimming in the pool, rowing on our rowing machine, and done more walking. I’ve also meditated more, almost every day. I downloaded an app that the social worker I talked to recommended. It’s a mindfulness meditation app. When I manage to incorporate the mindfulness mindset in everyday experiences and feelings I become calmer and less stressed. I hope that the more I practice mindfulness the more I manage to incorporate it in my daily life. It has to be done effortlessly otherwise it becomes another thing to stress about, and feel bad about not doing and accomplishing. My hot flashes have become much less frequent and significantly milder, and when they come I mostly manage to observe the sensation mindfully by mentally noting how it feels like and progresses instead of getting stressed by the presence of it. That has helped me control the intensity of it better than before. I hope that I also manage to use the same technique going forward; when I feel sick to my stomach, when I feel like arms and legs have switch places, and when I’m not sure if I’m carrying my head under my arm or if it’s between my shoulders.

I have an idea of how the next three months will be like, but I hope hope hope that my premonitions are worse than what it will actually become. Today I just need to be thinking of how proud I am that I hiked 3.5 miles (5.5 km) in Big Bear mountains yesterday. I was a shadow of my normal self and had to cry a little bit half way up the steep hills, but I didn’t surrender to the dizziness and walked and crawled my way to the end of the trail – and enjoyed a wonderful view of Big Bear Lake and a great picnic with James, Benjamin and Chess.

Now I will make dinner. Possibly the last dinner I’ll make in a few weeks, but possibly not. Time will show.