I am so very tired these days. It’s probably a combination of the compounds in the chemo and the compounds I’m taking to reduce the side effects. I can’t keep a conversation going more than an hour before I need to rest. After a 30 to 40 min walk I need a moment on the couch when I come home. I’m unsure of if sleeping and relaxing is the best to build my cells back up or if it’s best to be active. I suppose it is a combination where I have to make sure I push myself to be active, but not so much that I get exhausted.

It is overwhelming to observe how my body is changing through this process. Over time and when getting older the body of course changes depending on many factors. But that is a slow and almost unnoticeable change that I fully accept – even if I some days I definitely don’t like what I’m seeing. I decided a long time ago that instead of trying to hide the fact that I’m aging I am going to age naturally and gracefully and proudly show my wrinkles, age spots and grey hair. Over the last few months my body has been forced to change so uncomfortably rapid. I don’t only look and feel much older, but my body feels so out of balance. There are so many things that change at the same time over a short period – and not for the better – except that I don’t have to shave at the moment.

The three previous cycles the side effects have almost disappeared before the next cycle. This time – even if I’ve managed to reduce the intensity of them – they linger longer and are still quite present. I have concerns about which of these changes will stay with me after I’ve recovered from the chemo. I’m pretty certain that the changes I see and feel on my skin, hair, nails and mucus membranes will eventually change to normal since these cells always regenerate. My main concerns are the changes to my nerves and the negative impact that the stress is causing.

Ok. So. That was the down and negative part of me speaking. The more up and positive part of me is proud that I made dinner, dessert and bread yesterday. And last night I made dough to make cinnamon buns today. And I am today – or tomorrow – going to celebrate that I am two thirds of the way to my first summit. The celebration is Crêpes Suzette for dessert. And to top it all off – I am going to do laundry and clean the house this weekend. Plus – James and I decided yesterday that we need to consistently do two walks per day. Hopefully I will also have enough energy to sit up and play board games with James and Benjamin.

Even if I’m tired and clearly have some concerns, now I am so very happy that in a month I have reached the chemo summit and can focus only on building myself back up. And of course plan and prep for the next summit, surgery and HIPEC, but now I am pointing my scope four weeks ahead and picturing myself starting my journey of fully recovering.