I have to get better at appreciating the beauty and goodness around me and not let the darkness take over. Today was physically a good day. It started a bit rough due to eating breakfast a little bit too late. The hunger cliff is still hard to manage in a timely manner. I have dealt with getting low blood sugar and desperately hungry most of my life, but nothing like this. I guess we will learn some tricks to avoid too many of those dips. With the right amount of nutrition today I have been able to stay pretty on top of things without having felt the need for a nap or much down time. 

I managed to work for a few hours today – and I got some lunch just in time before the hunger cliff. After lunch James and I headed down to La Jolla to see an oncologist for a second opinion on the chemotherapy plan my hospital has put me on. As mentioned before we are working on transferring my health insurance to a new insurance plan so I can get my surgery and HIPEC done at Moores Cancer Center at UCSD, where the experts are. We wanted to make sure that the oncologist there agrees with the treatment I have started – and he does. That is a very good reassurance.

In the car on the way back home I hit a pretty bad mental dip. Having a good day physically had the unfortunate effect that it gave me enough energy to really start freaking out about my situation. Going over all the side effects of the chemo – yet again – and discussing the path forward with all the ifs and buts and possibilities – again – made me want to crawl into a hole. But cancer does not go away just like that – even though I want it to. Being constantly reminded of everything that is bad about this is too much to bear. I just want it to go away – without chemo – without a new surgery. I don’t want to feel like a zombie for several months. I don’t want to expose my body to more poison. I don’t want to live the rest of my life with damaged nerves in my ears and hands. I don’t want to live with the fear that the treatment might not work. I don’t want to live with the fear that the cancer can come back. I just want 2020 to go back to becoming the good year that I thought it was going to be.

But I can’t make cancer go away just like that. I need to deal with this. However hard it is. It will not go away with stomping my feet like a toddler and scream. The only chance I have is to zombify myself five more times and expose the cancer cells – and my good cells – to the poison and hope hope hope that the permanent side effects I get are bearable.

In my walk through darkness today friends and family came to my rescue – yet again. I was reminded of the goodness in people and how much love I am surrounded with – which is why I have to fight this. Benjamin and Chess took me on a walk – just as the evening flowers were at their most fragrant. We met a good neighbor and friend that gave me a long warm hug. And Emily and Scott left cookies on our doorstep – thank you! Those cookies were a life saver to stop the hunger cliff while waiting for the Friday pizza. (Chess is quite disappointed that he hasn’t been served all of his cookies yet. He is clearly letting me know that there are some more left on the counter).

With cookies, dog treats – and now enough pizza to last a few days. It is boding well for a good weekend.